


it never felt right calling this just friends

by preciousthings



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, Growing Up, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-03
Updated: 2013-05-03
Packaged: 2017-12-10 06:14:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/782747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/preciousthings/pseuds/preciousthings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"harry walked into his life with no intention of leaving ever. and niall doesn’t mind that one bit."</p>
<p>or: harry and niall's friendship from ages six to sixteen. (and nineteen at the very end).</p>
            </blockquote>





	it never felt right calling this just friends

**Author's Note:**

> um. i'm really bad at writing these?? this is the longest thing i've ever written and i don't know how it got so long honestly. there's a female oc in here but not for a long time and she's kind of cool. i just couldn't find someone real to fit that spot sooooooo yeah i made someone up. i don't own anything, there's a major lack of capitalization, and all mistakes are my own!! 
> 
> title from all time low's "walls" (i listened to that song so much writing this honestly)

niall doesn’t like america. he doesn’t like how no one wants to talk to him because they think his accent is weird. he doesn’t like how everyone already has a friend so no one wants to be his. he doesn’t like how he’s basically as invisible a six year old could possibly be. he sits at a table with three boys in his class and they talk to each other but not to him. he sits alone at lunch and at recess and thinks about going home and playing football (soccer? he thinks it’s called soccer here) with greg because greg likes him. he wishes like hell that he could be back in ireland with sean and people who actually like him.

niall’s angry. angrier than a six year old should be. he’s angry at his mom and dad because they were supposed to be together forever, angry at his aunt for moving to america, angry at his mom for moving to be with her sister. angry because everything he’d ever known had been taken from him.

he’s standing against the fence on his second day when he hears someone call, “look out!”. he doesn’t think anything of it because no one talks to him, and next thing he knows he just got hit with a football (actual football, he thinks, not a “soccer” ball) and he’s laying in a puddle. he pulls himself up, won’t cry, _won’t cry_ , when a kid he knows from his class with a curly mop of hair, the brightest green eyes he's ever seen and a half-dimpled smile runs up to him.

“are you okay? i called for you to look out, guess you didn’t hear?” he says.

“‘m fine.”  niall whispers. he blinks back a few tears. why can’t he just be home?

“good!” he runs away and niall doesn’t even know his name. it’s an improvement, though, he’s talking to people. kind of. he touches a finger to his cheekbone where a bruise is already forming. this is going to be fun to explain to his teacher and his mum.

~

curly comes back the next day, to niall’s spot on the fence.

“hi,” he beams at niall, and niall is so confused. “i didn’t apologize yesterday.”

“‘s alright. don’t need to apologize.” niall mumbles.

"but there's a bruise on your face and it's my fault." the boy frowns.

"bruise'll go away soon,"

“why won’t you look at me?” green eyes asks, and niall looks up at him through the fringe falling in his eyes, “that’s better. i’m sorry about hitting you with the football and i’m sorry that your cheek is bruised now. i’ll be more careful or call out a little louder next time,” he giggles nervously.

“thanks, ‘s okay. i’m fine.” niall says.

dimples turns to run back towards the swings, but turns again and pads back to niall. “hey, do you want to come over here with me? we can be best friends!” he exclaims. “oh, i’m harry, forgot to tell you!”

“oh. um. yeah, sure. ‘m niall.”

harry reaches out and pulls niall by his arm to the swingset. harry tells niall that he likes his accent. when they get back to the classroom, niall watches harry run over to their teacher and beg to have niall’s seat changed to his table. it's... nice to have a friend. harry talks to him and smiles at him and plays with him and for the first time since he moved to america, niall doesn’t miss home so much and it’s kind of a nice feeling.

~

niall's starting to like america. the only person he has to thank for that is harry. harry walked into his life with no intention of leaving ever. and niall doesn’t mind that one bit. they're kind of perfect; so different, but they get on like a house on fire.

when they're seven, harry teaches niall american football and it's the most frustrating thing in the world because he just doesn't understand it. harry laughs at niall for not understanding because "it's easy, ni!" until niall throws the football at him. that gets him to shut up. "you got a good arm, horan," harry frowns, rubbing his bicep where the football hit. "'s gonna leave a bruise."

"you bruised my _face_ , harry. my _face_."

"and i apologized for it! come on, if i didn't apologize, we wouldn't be best friends right now. right?"

"can i teach you _real_ football now?" niall whines.

"oh, you mean soccer?" harry teases, and niall kicks the soccer ball at him.

~

when they're ten, harry falls out of their treehouse ( _his_ treehouse, really. over time, it became _theirs_ ).

they're sitting cross-legged, facing each other, with harry's back towards the door. they’re not doing much, just talking and giggling every few seconds, and sure it’s boring, but it’s _them_.  it happens in a split second; one second harry’s there, the next he’s sprawled on the grass. and niall doesn't know what to do. he climbs down the ladder as fast as his feet will take him and his vision is blurred with tears and his hands are shaking and he's fucking _terrified_ because harry is laying there and he's breathing but he's not doing much else.

"harry, say something," niall whispers, nudging at harry's shoulder, "haz, why won't you say anything? you’re scaring me. open your eyes. harry,"

he runs back to harry's house to tell anne what happened, and then she's running back outside with him. harry's sitting up, thank god, and niall lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"my head hurts," harry whimpers, tears clearly brimming around his eyes, "and it's really bright out and that's making my head hurt more. and my wrist really hurts. mom, it hurts so bad, make it stop."

"what hurts, baby?" anne crouches down next to harry and starts running her fingers through his curls.

"my head. and my wrist. that hurts the worst. and my stomach too." harry rasps. he's crying now, gasping for breath in between sobs, and niall feels so small and helpless because he doesn't want to see his best friend like this ever.

“niall, run home and tell your mom to meet us at the hospital, okay?” anne says.

“n-no,” harry chokes out, “i want niall with me,” he holds his good hand out for niall to take, and clutches niall’s hand tight. “please, mom, i need him,” he begs.

“fine,” anne says, “i’ll call niall’s mom quickly, go around front and get in the car.”

~

a broken wrist and a concussion, that’s what the doctors say harry has. he has to stay at the hospital overnight, and insists that niall’s there as long as he can possibly stay. that friday after school and homework and dinner, niall asks maura if he can ride his bike to harry’s house because he hasn’t seen him since the hospital and that was four whole days ago. when he gets to harry’s, gemma answers the door.

“harry’s upstairs, mom’s not letting him do anything. you can go up if you want to.”

niall grins and runs up the stairs to harry’s room. he’s laying in his bed and he looks like he hasn’t slept in days because of the bags under his eyes, and his hair’s a mess.

“hi, i missed you.” harry smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes like it usually does.

“you alright?” niall asks.

“kinda. my head still hurts a little bit. mom’s barely letting me leave my room. i’m tired, though. wanna lay with me?”

“um. sure?” niall climbs into the bed where harry pulled the sheets back, and pulls them back up. this is. new. they’re close, like, _really close_. but never sharing a bed-close until now. and it’s not weird. niall likes it, though, he thinks he might like it more than he should. he thinks he likes a lot of things about harry more than he should. sometimes he feels the same way around harry as he does when he's talking to amy, the prettiest girl in his class. he has this warm feeling in the pit of his stomach and his heart stutters. it confuses him because he doesn't know what that feeling means and he doesn't know if he wants it to go away or not. "hi," niall smiles when he's facing harry.

"hi yourself. this okay?" harry asks, almost like something wouldn't be okay.

"yeah, it's fine," niall relaxes against the mattress more until harry curls his good hand into niall's t-shirt and tugs him closer. he tenses again and freezes.

harry notices, because _of course he does_ , and says, "are you sure this is okay?"

"yeah, why wouldn't it be?"

"dunno, you seem tense. relax, it’s just me.”

_yeah_ , niall thinks, _yeah, just you, with your eyes and your smile and the way you make me feel and--_ “i’m fine,” he says, wills himself to relax.

falling asleep is easy like that, with harry’s hand fisted in his shirt, harry’s head on his chest, harry’s heartbeat ringing in his ears. it just seems natural.

~

when they’re twelve, harry’s mom and dad tell him that they’re getting a divorce. and niall's there the whole time, because he gets it. niall's there every late night when harry throws rocks at his window because the yelling is too much at home and he wants to come in. niall lets him in and holds him until the shaking stops.

it happens a lot, things like that. and niall’s always there.

“thank you for all of this. you didn’t have to.” harry says one night when niall’s curled around him.

“you’re my best friend, harry. i didn’t have to but i wanted to. i promise you, i’ll always be there when you need me.”

“don’t know what i did to deserve you,” harry mumbles.

niall wonders what he did to deserve someone as amazing as harry.

~

everything started to change after harry turned fifteen.

it's after midnight, and they’re on the swings at the elementary school where they became best friends because that’s what harry wanted to do, and honestly, niall doesn’t care what they do as long as he’s with harry.

"niall, i really need to tell you something." harry says, breaking the silence they’d formed.

"is everything okay?"

"yeah, everything's fine. so. um, i'm gay." harry confesses.

"oh, uh, okay? alright? cool?" niall doesn't know what to say, really. this was very. unexpected to say the least. he's a little shocked, if he's honest, but what harry just told him changes nothing. harry is still his best friend no matter who he falls in love with.

"you don't hate me?" harry looks down and kicks the rocks under his swing, and fuck, why would he even think that?

"jesus, haz, why would i hate you?"

“don’t know. seems kind of standard, you know? once everyone knows they’ll hate me. call me names and stuff. don't think i'm ready for all of it. but this is who i am, and they're gonna hate me for it.” harry frowns, still kicking at the rocks underneath him.

“that isn’t true, harry. you know that’s not true.”

“how do you know, ni? it could be.”

“don’t worry about that, yeah? how, um. how long have you like, known?” niall asks, trying to steer away from harry being so down on himself.

“a few months?"

“shit, why didn’t you tell me? keeping that in, it can’t be easy.”

“it’s not.”

it's quiet for a minute, and then, “i know,” niall says, a beat, “i do, i really do know.”

“w-what?” harry finally lifts his head to take a good look at niall.

“i like guys the same way i like girls. a little more, maybe.”  niall says, and it feels like the biggest relief in the world. like he can breathe a little bit again. sure, he’s only told one person, but it’s harry, and he’s a huge part of niall’s life. he deserves to know before anyone else, really. because he’s harry and that’s reason enough. if he can do that, he thinks he could tell his mum, and eventually greg, and maybe his dad. and after that, everyone else. and if he’ll have harry going through the same thing, that’ll make it so much easier. they'll go through one of the hardest things they'll ever have to do, and they'll go through it together.

"really? 's cool, you're still my best friend," harry grins, really grins, all teeth and crinkly bright eyes, and niall's been waiting to see that half-dimpled grin all night. "how long have you known?"

"don't really know. it's kind of been a while now, no big revelation or anything. just a few guys that i might’ve fancied." niall shrugs.

"does anyone else know?"

"you're the first. i'm going to tell my mum soon. i'm glad i told you first."

“i'm sort of terrified. to you know, come out properly. i knew you'd be so _you_ about the whole thing and i'm so glad you actually were, but not everyone is as wonderful as you are, ni. i don't know how i'm going to tell my mom and gemma. i don't know how they're going to react or anything, and i'm so scared." harry says. his voice is so small, so different from usual. niall doesn't remember the last time he's seen harry look so vulnerable, and right now, he’d do anything to put the lights back in his eyes.

"it's going to be hard. it sucks, i know. but i'm always going to be there for you, yeah? i promise you that your mum and gem are still going to love you exactly the same, because you're the same harry that you've always been. i promise. nothing's gonna change. we're going through this together, and we'll make it through together, okay?"

"i'm so glad i have you," harry breathes.

“you’re gonna be okay, harry.”

~

niall came out to his mum and greg a few weeks after harry’s birthday, but it takes harry the rest of the school year, and a whole day of niall holding him while he cries and telling him that he’ll be fine, for him to tell his mom and gemma. and it went fine, just like niall knew it would.

and then there’s the fact that niall is 99.9% sure he’s in love with harry. it’s the feeling from when he was ten and curled up in harry’s bed, and the feeling from harry’s fifteenth birthday, when they came out to each other and niall wanted nothing more than to kiss him senseless right there on that swingset, and the feeling from the day when harry came out to his mom, how he held harry all day while he cried and dry heaved and eventually calmed down enough for him to be able to do it, how niall just wanted to kiss him to calm him down and kiss him again because he was so proud of him. it’s all of those feelings combined and so much more. he can't tell harry, though, because he's not ready to put ten years of friendship and so many memories on the line in case harry didn't feel the same way. so he keeps it in and it's killing him, but there's nothing else he can do but live with it until he's brave enough to tell harry. and that's it.

but tenth grade is shaping up to be the worst year of niall’s life. he walks to harry’s house on the first friday of the school year. he’s supposed to be helping harry with a paper for the summer reading book only he read, and _harry owes him for this_.

harry texts him after school and tells him the door’s open, and to come right up whenever he wants, and so he does. he doesn’t expect to see, well. that. harry’s laying on his bed, on top of aiden grimshaw, an eleventh grader at their school. kissing him. he knew harry and aiden were friends, the way they’re friends with liam and zayn and louis but he didn’t think they were this close. niall is so _fucking_ confused. he might as well just be punched in the stomach. it would hurt less than this, he thinks.

“i, um.” niall chokes out, and harry’s head snaps up. “i can go? we’ll write the paper tomorrow?”

“shit, _fuck_ , niall, fuck. i thought you were coming later, shit.” harry says as he rolls off of aiden, and sits on the bed next to him. aiden quickly scrambles to get up and out of harry’s room.

“i’m just. i’m going to go. talk to you tomorrow or whatever,” niall blinks.

“wait, let me like, explain, okay?”

“i don’t want to hear it, haz. he’s your boyfriend?” niall asks. he tries to sound confident or at least okay but there’s this uneasiness in his voice he wants to go away. harry barely even nods, and the yes goes unsaid. it’s enough for niall to know.  “i really don’t want to be here right now. like. i don’t know i’ll just. call me tomorrow or something?”

“why won’t you let me fucking explain?”

“because i don’t need you to! i get it, harry. you have a boyfriend and i’m clearly not fucking important enough to know about him!” niall yells. and he _hates_ this. hates yelling at harry, hates feeling like this.

“i’m so confused, niall. i get that you’re angry, but you need to let me explain! i’m sorry that you had to walk in on me and aiden, but you aren’t even giving me a chance to tell you everything.”

“what is there to explain? you were kissing aiden! you have a boyfriend and you ‘forgot’ to tell me! so, uh, thanks for that.”

“stop yelling at me, niall! can you at least tell me why you’re freaking on me?”

“i don’t want to be here. i’m just going to leave. you can, um. call me or text me or whatever,”

“‘m sorry,” harry mumbles, and niall pretends he doesn’t hear it when he leaves harry’s room.

~

niall doesn’t talk to harry for a week. harry calls him and texts him nearly every other minute, but niall avoids it at all costs. they sit together in lunch and eat in silence, and it's killing niall to do this. but he still loves harry so much, that’s not going to change no matter what else does. harry finally comes to niall's house a week later, on niall's birthday. it's fitting, with the way his life's been going lately, that everything would fall apart on his birthday.

niall's laying face down on his bed (it feels like he hadn’t moved in days), when someone knocks on the door. he assumes it's just his mum because there's no one else it could be, and he picks his head up to mumble a short, "come in," before dropping it back down on the pillow.

it's not his mum, though, it's harry. he looks exhausted; dark circles under his eyes, unusually messy curls, a t-shirt he's sure is like three sizes too big, and baggy sweatpants. it's so not harry, and niall still wants him. he pads over to the bed and sits on the edge while niall rolls over onto his back.

"what?" niall asks. his tone is harsh and cold and something so unlike niall. and he can’t help but think that harry is the cause of this, of what’s hurting him right now. the person who makes him happiest is the one hurting him.

they're both broken, unlike themselves, and they can fix it too. they can make themselves better, they just don't want to.

"i take it you're not going to let me explain what happened last week." harry sighs.

"you make it impossible to be mad at you, you know that? it's like i keep trying but i _can't_ and it's pissing me off."

"why do you _want_ to be mad at me?! what the fuck did i do?! listen, i'm really sorry about everything that happened this week. and i want you to forgive me. if that's an option." harry looks down and fidgets and doesn't dare make eye contact with niall.

"'s not. an option, i mean.” niall mumbles.

“you’re like, leaving me in the dark here, niall! since when have you been keeping stuff like this from me? when you were angry or upset you always told me! now should be no different,”

“i should be asking you the same thing! you didn’t tell me about your boyfriend and that’s kind of a big deal, yeah? what happened to trust? what happened to all of that?”

“i’m sorry!” harry’s voice breaks. “like, really sorry! i was going to tell you, niall. i’m sorry that i didn’t, and i know it’s a big deal, but, fuck, i didn’t think you’d freak out like this!” he continues, and then in a much smaller voice, says, "i just want my best friend back because i’m so lost without you, you have no idea."

“god, harry, you're so oblivious, i can not believe you sometimes. isn't it obvious how much i l--" niall stops himself before he says it but he wants to. he wants harry to know but now's not the time. harry has aiden and he's happy. niall’s not about to ruin that.

"how much you _what_ , niall?!"

“go, just go,” niall falls back onto his bed. “seriously, leave. i don’t want to do this right now, harry.”

“happy fucking birthday, niall.” harry throws an envelope on niall’s desk and slams the door shut on the way out.

and that's, well. probably the end. if it is the end, then the end sucks because that's a shitty, stupid way for a friendship to end. as soon as harry leaves, niall regrets everything he said and a few things he didn’t. he should have told harry how he feels because if harry walked away then, he would walk away knowing that niall loves him. maybe things would have been different that way.

instead, everything's a giant mess. niall wouldn't blame harry for never talking to him again. he deserves it after everything he said. niall horan: world's biggest fuck-up.

he rolls over so he's on his stomach again, and before he can even try to stop it from happening, he’s crying. it's all this bottled up frustration and sadness and _anger_ all coming to the surface after a week. this is niall cracking. this is him not being able to deal with the fact that he messed up with harry, most likely irreparably. the fact that he just lost his best friend who he just happens to be in love with. happy fucking birthday to him, really.

he moved to america and met harry almost ten years ago, and for the first time in ten years, he really wants to go home.

~

niall must fall asleep sometime after harry leaves, because he wakes up close to ten at night. he pulls himself out of bed and pads downstairs into the kitchen and hopes his mum is still awake. she is, and she's sitting at the table, quite obviously waiting for him to wake up. there's a cupcake on the table in front of his seat, and he smiles when he sees it because his birthday may have sucked, but at least he still has _this_. he's not going to let this suck.

"hi, mum, 'm awake," he mumbles.

"you alright, love? harry left before and he seemed upset. i thought he was staying tonight."

"we got into a fight." niall shrugs. "don't think i'll be talking to him much anymore."

"you probably don't want to talk about it, so i won't pry. but if you ever want to, you can."

"n-no. i'll tell you." so he does. he tells her everything, starting from harry's birthday last year. how harry came out to him and he came out to harry. about the day harry came out to his mom. about last week, when he walked in on harry and aiden. how he’s so in love with harry. and then about their fight today. “so basically, i lost my best friend and i’m in love with him, and i have no idea what i’m supposed to do because there’s no handbook for this. there’s no how-to book that says what to do when i yell at the boy i’m in love with because he’s too oblivious to notice that i’m in love with him. i almost told him too. i almost said it and that's the absolute worst part. that i could have said it but i was too much of a coward to actually do it. and now he’s gone. so it’s just like, whatever, i guess.”

“sweetheart, you don’t know that. harry might just need some time. he’s not gone forever.” maura says, and she reaches across the table for niall’s hand. “i promise you. now, let's not be so sad, it's still your birthday and i haven't given you your present yet."

she slides a folded sheet of paper to him, and he can feel the corners of his lips pull up as he opens it.

"mum, this is. wow, thank you so much." it's the boarding pass for a flight to ireland. niall really wants to cry again, because he has no idea what he did to deserve something like this, even from his mum. he loves her so much.

“you leave tomorrow morning. that okay? is three weeks too much?”

this couldn’t have been more perfectly timed, really. after everything with harry, niall really just needed that escape. and this is it. three weeks away from everything is perfect. “yeah,” he nods,” yeah, that’s great.”

“i’m glad you like it, honey.”

“i love you, mum.”

~

ireland is amazing from the second he lands in dublin. greg picks him up from the airport and they catch up on the ride to their nan's house. niall’s really been missing him lately. it’s been almost three months since greg left and he’s realizing that he needs greg a lot more than ihe thought. he tells greg about mum and what it’s been like back home since he’s left. greg asks about harry, and niall tells him about their fight. he doesn’t tell him everything, just the fight. it’s a little easier to talk about now, but it’s still like an open wound. it stings. he thinks maybe he’ll wake up and everything will be okay again, like maybe harry will call him to talk and this time niall will let him explain. but harry’s stopped texting. so, he figures this is it. it’s all over.

“guess it’s good you’re here, then,” greg says, “help get your mind off everything back home,”

_yeah_ , niall thinks, _yeah, it will._

he sees sean for the first time in eight years, the first time since niall visited after two years in america, and it’s like nothing’s changed between them. they’re still best friends and they still _fit_ the same way they did when they were six. he used to think sean knew him better than anyone else, but harry happened, and harry’s that person now, the one who knows niall better than he knows himself sometimes. but sean’s still there and sean still knows so much. sean’s all he has now.

they spend a lot of niall’s first night there catching up. sean asks about harry (christ, when will people stop asking about harry?) and niall starts from the beginning, like he did when he told his mum the night before. “so basically, on harry’s fifteenth birthday, he came out to me. and i came out to him,” niall starts.

“wait, you’re gay?” sean interrupts.

“bisexual, but yeah.”

“that’s cool, mate.” sean laughs, and niall thinks that’s the easiest coming out he’s had to do.

“anyway, so we came out to each other, and a few weeks after that, i realized how in love i am with harry. i didn’t tell him--”

“you should have!”

“--because i didn’t want to mess up ten years of friendship because i wasn’t sure he felt the same way. so then like, summer ended and school started and he’d been spending a lot less time with me? it was weird because he never ignored me--”

“should’ve told him!”

“stop interrupting, wanker. so, then like, a week after school started, i walked in on him and his boyfriend that he never told me about because apparently i’m not important enough. and i ran. we got into a fight yesterday and i almost told him, but i told him to go instead. and that’s it. ten years of friendship, just gone. do i regret fighting with him? hell yeah. i just don’t know what else i could’ve done.”

“you could’ve told him.” sean smirks.

“will you just let that go?” niall asks.

“never. it’s my job to annoy you.”

~

sean takes niall to a party the day after he gets to ireland, tells him to relax and drink something. he meets one of sean’s best friends, siobhan. siobhan is tall, with curly blonde hair and green eyes, and she likes niall right away. sean leaves the two of them alone when niall’s had a decent amount of alcohol in him, and siobhan leans in to kiss niall. he’s not sure what he’s thinking when he kisses back, but he likes it. they’re both drunk when they hook up the first time. but it happens again. and again. niall likes it, likes _her_. she’s a good distraction from harry, and she knows that. she manages to get it out of him one night when he’s drunk enough and slightly robotic. it takes a while, but he tells her about harry and apologizes. she’s surprisingly cool with it, and niall thinks it’s the best thing about her.

by the time he leaves ireland, siobhan is really just one of his best friends. they hook up a few times because they’re lonely, but she’s just someone to talk to. he’s glad he met her.

~

the first day back at school after his trip to ireland is one of the worst school days he can remember since getting hit with a football on his second day ever in america. harry pulls him over in the hallway during passing, and says, “where the fuck have you been? it’s been like, three weeks, and you haven’t answered your phone or been in school or anything.”

“ignoring you,” niall says first, and then, “seriously. i was in ireland, ignoring you. it was great. i saw my best friends for the first time in years and i met this girl. we spent a lot of time together.”

“oh, really? she your girlfriend?”

“no, just my really good friend. it’s hard with distance and all, you know? if she were here, she’d be my girlfriend for sure.” he says, but thinks _she’s not you so it wouldn’t even matter if she were my girlfriend._

“oh, sucks. i’m sure you’ll find someone closer to home,” harry shrugs, and niall just wants to scream _he’s right in front of me, for fuck’s sake._

“yeah, maybe. not really looking for anything right now.” _because i don’t need to._

~

october, november, and december pass in a haze.  things between him and harry had gone from bad to worse after he got back from ireland in september. harry and aiden came out as a couple while he was in ireland, and they’re constantly together in the halls, holding hands and kissing before classes. niall avoids it the best he can. he hasn’t gotten a text from harry since his birthday, and he doesn’t know if that hurts more than seeing him all the time and not saying anything. he’ll catch harry looking at him sometimes, and he can’t read the look on his face. it reminds niall of the way harry used to look at him, before he started to look at aiden with the same fondness.

the new year has been good to him, though. siobhan and sean surprise him and fly out the day after new years’ because their break is longer than his. seeing them again made him happier than he’d been in a long time. they all go out the night sean and siobhan get in; niall, sean, siobhan, louis, liam, zayn, harry, and aiden, and niall considers faking sick so he doesn’t have to sit through whatever with harry and aiden. sean drags him out though, and it's really not that bad. louis and sean get on great, so he just pays attention to them to get him through it. until aiden pulls harry up on his lap and kisses his neck. that just hurts.

siobhan notices his expression change, takes niall's hand under the table, whispers, "ignore them," and kisses niall.

"is niall horan actually about to get some?" louis quips. niall flips him off, and siobhan grins, " _you_ won't, that's for sure."

"she's sassy, i like her." louis laughs.

"niall, she the girl you told me about the last time we talked? the one from ireland?" harry asks, and it's the first time since october that he's heard harry talk directly to him, and he didn't realize how much he's missed harry's voice.

"that would be me, yes," siobhan says, so niall doesn't have to. she smiles at him tight lipped, and continues, "siobhan. it's nice to meet you..."

"harry."

"ah, so you're harry. i've heard _a lot_ about you."

"good things?" harry asks with a smile, and _fuck_ , niall's so weak. he would do anything just to have harry the way aiden does, doesn't realize how much he needed it.

"not the nicest of things, no." siobhan smirks and squeezes niall's hand under the table.

"you two are cute together." aiden comments.  

"she's not my girlfriend," niall shakes his head.

"but she just kissed you?"

"we're casual," siobhan shrugs, "i love the kid, but we're casual."

"doesn't seem so casual to me," liam comments.

"it's casual," niall states again. "she's my best friend, and we had a thing a few months ago? but she's just my best friend."

"you know, liam, you sound like a hypocrite right now, because i know for a fact that you and zayn have hooked up because i walked in on it. and you claim there's nothing going on." louis says.

“that was one time,” liam pouts.

“but there’s something going on,” niall smirks, ignores zayn blushing across the table.

~

niall gets a text from harry a few days before sean and siobhan are set to leave. he’s laying on the floor in his basement, watching a movie with sean and siobhan, when his phone vibrates. he ignores the way his heart stutters when he sees harry’s name light up the screen, and reads the text. _can you come over right now you’re all i have i know you're mad but i really need you._

niall sighs, throws his phone against the couch, and falls onto his back again.

“who’s that from?” sean asks.

“harry.”

“oooh! i wanna see, budge over,” siobhan climbs over sean to take niall’s phone, “fuckin’ passcode.”

“0201,” niall mumbles.

“niall, get your ass over to his house _now_.” she says after unlocking his phone.

“i’m perfectly fine on the floor, thank you very much.”

“ _niall._ he needs you. i don't know what's wrong, but his text seemed really desperate. so you're going to need to get over whatever weird fear you have of seeing harry and you need to go there. i'll babysit sean, it's all good here."

"i don't need to be babysat!" sean protests.

"yes you do, sweetie." siobhan grins, "now seriously, niall. go. you love him, remember? and he needs you."

so niall leaves; he walks down the block to harry's and lets himself in, not bothering to knock. harry's in his room, he assumes, so he climbs the stairs and stops in front of harry's door.

"harry, are you in here?" he asks.

"come in," harry says.

niall pushes the door open and finds harry sprawled on his bed, looking like a mess, honestly. he wishes it were six months ago, and he could just wrap harry in his arms and hug him until it's better. wishes like hell he could do that. "what do you want?" he says instead, and harry winces at that.

"i just needed someone, okay? aiden broke up with me today and i just need you right now. you can go back to hating me in the morning, because i know you do, but just stay with me tonight."

"shit, i'm sorry. what happened?" niall asks.

"don't really know. we just weren't working out, i guess. told him i thought i loved him and he left."

"you didn't need him, then. you deserve someone who'll say it back." niall pads over to harry's bed and sits down next to him. _someone like me._

"i miss you, niall." harry whispers.

"c'mere..." niall says, and harry does just that. niall wraps him into a hug, and every feeling he thought he'd forgotten rushes back and hits him like a tidal wave. this just got so much harder. "d'you wanna come back to mine? me and sean and siobhan were watching movies and stuff."

"you don't mind?"

"nah, you need me. c'mon, we'll watch love actually or one of those shitty movies you love so much." niall grins.

when they walk back to niall's a few minutes later, harry reaches for niall's wrist and holds it tight. niall doesn't pull away, he only misses the warmth when harry lets go.

"you can go grab snacks from the kitchen, i'll be in the basement, get me a drink?" niall says, before disappearing down a flight of stairs.

"that was quick," sean comments.

"i'm so fucking weak." niall grumbles, sprawling himself out on the floor where he'd been earlier.

"he's upstairs, isn't he?" siobhan asks.

"yes. he's coming down in a second. just. don't say anything stupid, okay?"

"stupid? why ever would you think _i_ would say something stupid?" siobhan smirks and niall throws a piece of popcorn at her.

harry's at the bottom of the stairs then, he tosses a can of soda at niall and sits on the floor a good distance away from him. "hi,"

sean mutters a quick hello, and siobhan turns to him, and asks, "you alright?"

"will be, i guess. got dumped today."

"that sucks, i'm sorry." sean says.

niall's phone lights up next to him, a new text from siobhan. he looks at her before thumbing open the text. _loverboy is single this is ur chance nialler!!!! :) :) :)_ he shakes his head and types out a quick _he thinks i hate him_ as a response before turning to harry. "d'you wanna pick a movie?" he asks.

"anything's fine." harry says, almost robotic. this is auto-pilot harry. niall's only seen harry like this once before, those few weeks when they were thirteen. he's an empty shell of himself when he gets like this, and niall hates seeing him like this.

"you sure? i'll put on whatever you want." niall says.

"nah, let one of them pick. ‘m fine with whatever,”

at some point during the movie, harry slides closer to niall. niall takes harry’s wrist, and pulls him closer. “just let me,” he whispers. he snakes an arm around harry's waist and holds him there in his lap, uses his free hand to comb through harry's curls.

halfway through the second movie, harry's asleep in niall's arms. it's like when they were ten after harry hit his head. the first time they fell asleep together. it's like that. harry being there, harry curled around him, harry's warmth, harry's heartbeat. it's just natural. that's how niall falls asleep.

when he wakes up harry is gone. sean and siobhan went upstairs to sleep, he knows that. but harry is gone. niall shouldn’t be surprised, but he is. he didn’t think harry would leave, he really didn’t. he didn’t think harry would want to be alone. but harry’s not in his arms anymore, and harry’s alone, and that’s that.

~

everything’s comfortable after that. it’s not terrible, and it’s far from great. it’s comfortable. they talk to each other during school. they don’t talk about what happened the night aiden broke up with harry. it’s the first time in a while that everything’s been going okay. niall can deal with this. it’s better than not having harry at all. it’s still not

harry’s birthday comes up quickly, and it’s business as usual for niall, doing what he always does on harry’s birthday. he leaves a little before midnight the day before harry’s birthday, so he can get to harry’s right on midnight on his birthday. it’s happened every other year, this one should be no different. except it is different. it’s really different. it’s different because he hasn’t felt close to harry in so long. _i’m making a mistake_ , he thinks, as he throws a pebble at harry’s window. another pebble. _why are all my worst mistakes things i've done to you_ , another pebble. harry's window cracks open and he climbs out it.

"took ya long enough. i was about to go all say anything on you. iphone instead of boombox." niall says with a smile. it's just. all of this makes him so happy.

"i'm sorry it too me so long to put pants on," harry jokes.

"happy birthday." niall says and they start walking in the direction of the elementary school like they do every year. niall wraps a hand around harry's wrist and waits for him to pull it away. he never does.

"i didn't think you'd come," harry confesses, "i was fully prepared to just fall asleep and wake up tomorrow and not hear from you."

"no, harry. i wouldn't. this is our thing, yeah? birthdays on the playground."

"never got a chance to do anything for yours," harry says and the look on his face all but breaks niall's heart.

"'s alright. don't want to talk about that. it's your sixteenth birthday now, and my fifteenth is forgotten. promise." niall says and it's a lie, because he hasn't forgotten his fifteenth birthday because he pushed harry away and lost him for four long months. he doesn't think he'll ever be able to forget that.

"good. miss you, niall. can we just, like, be ourselves again? normal us."

niall hesitates, because what is normal with them? is normal falling asleep in the same bed and practically living at each other's houses? is that normal? or is that just them? it can't be _normal_ because normal is not being in love with harry. “y-yeah,” he says after a minute, “i want that.”

they fall into a comfortable silence the rest of the walk, and when they've reached the playground, harry wraps niall into a hug. "thank you. for this."

niall doesn't say anything just breathes this moment in. captures it just in case it's the last time. "race you to the swings?" niall grins, after harry's pulled away.

"always," harry says, and he takes off. he beats niall, he always does. "did you get slower, ni?" he jokes once they're both on swings.

"nah, my knee's acting up again."

"is it because we raced? sorry,"

"not your fault. it just hurts sometimes." niall kicks at the pebbles under him and starts swinging.

it’s silent again, it seems like they’re silent all too much now. it’s silent, but niall can’t seem to shut his brain off. _harry this harry that harryharryharry_ and he wants it all to just stop. he won’t make it through tonight if it doesn’t. this is his life. he’s on a playground made for five year olds on his best friend’s sixteenth birthday, swinging on the swings in the middle of the night, and he wants to tell his best friend that he loves him. sometimes niall doesn’t know how this became his life.

“jump. i dare you.” harry grins once they’re both high enough.

“are you trying to get me paralyzed?”

“be careful?” harry laughs.

“no, not happening. i’m not jumping. you jump.”

“hell no,” harry shakes his head, slowing down his swing, “not going to happen.”

“see, you won’t either!” niall laughs. this feels so like them again, and it’s nice.

a few minutes later, they're both laying on the blacktop kickball field, looking up at the stars. niall moves his hand to rest on top of harry's. it's a test; to see how far he could go without pushing it, freaking harry out. harry doesn't do anything, just hums with content.

"remember a few weeks ago, when aiden broke up with me? how i said i didn't know why?" harry asks, and niall justs nods, letting harry know he can keep going, "i lied. i know exactly why he broke up with me. and when he said it, it scared the crap out of me."

"why didn't you tell me, then?"

"couldn't," harry says, eyes focused on the sky and the stars and not the blonde boy next to him.

"i wouldn't have told anyone if you did tell me. wish you would've. we used to tell each other everything."

"aiden broke up with me because he thinks i'm in love with you, okay?! that's why my boyfriend broke up with me. there, i said it! happy?" harry yells, and niall thinks he's crying. he's made harry cry for the second time. _good going, horan._

"c-can we drop this? it's your birthday and i just. lets not."

“why not? we have to talk about this, niall.”

“not now, please.” niall begs, fighting to keep his composure. he can’t lose it now. not now. not when he has so much to lose.

“we have to! aiden was right, okay? he was so right and hearing that was fucking terrifying. i started dating aiden because i didn't know what i was supposed to do. and as soon as you found out that i was dating someone, you fucking ran. you yelled at me, and you stopped talking to me." harry pulls his hand out from under niall’s, and that. that hurts.

“i’m sorry.” niall whispers.

“you disappeared for three weeks, ignored every text i sent you, literally just stopped talking to me, and you never even told me why! me being oblivious might be one thing, but i still have no idea why we started fighting in the first place!”

“you ignored me too, harry! you stopped trying after a while.” niall takes a deep breath, and sits up. this is going to end worse than the fight on his birthday did. it’s going to be so much worse, and he doesn’t think he can handle much more without harry.

“you made it pretty damn clear when you ignored me for weeks.”

“niall, stop! dammit, just let me talk. when i fell asleep in your arms the night aiden broke up with me--”

“i woke up alone. i thought things could get better and i woke up alone."

“--i felt something, and it scared me so fucking much. because yeah, i’d felt it before, but i had no idea what it meant until that moment. when i woke up at five in the morning with your arms around me. i love you, niall. that’s all i have to say. i’m in love with you, and i can’t say anything else but that.”

niall freezes. he can’t say anything, can’t _breathe_ because this. this is everything he’s wanted since he was thirteen. he’s wanted harry for so long, and harry wants him and he _can’t move_.

“niall? please say something. don’t-- you’re scaring me. please.”

“harry,” niall says, and his throat feels too dry. he can’t speak.

“is-- is what i just said okay?”

“yes. god, yes. can i kiss you?” niall asks, and he’s actually scared harry might say no even though harry’s actually _in love_ with him.

“please.” harry sits up, cross-legged, and faces niall. niall cups harry’s cheek with one hand, leans in, and presses his lips to harry’s. it’s not like he expects at all. it’s better. it’s soft. harry’s lips are soft. softer than niall expected them to be. when he parts his lips, harry deepens the kiss. when they break the kiss, niall lays back on the concrete and pulls harry down by his sweatshirt. harry leans down to kiss niall again, deeper, faster, than than last one. they kiss for a while; niall feels like the world is theirs. two teenagers kissing in the middle of a deserted elementary school playground.

harry rolls off niall, lays next to him, and takes his hand. “hey,” he smiles.

“hi.”

“are we okay?” harry asks, rolling onto his side and propping himself up on his elbow.

“i love you. i didn’t say it before we kissed. but i love you. have since we were like, thirteen.”

“thirteen, wow. ‘s been a long time, yeah?”

“i almost said it once before. my fifteenth birthday. i stopped myself because i kept telling myself that you were happy with aiden and that was enough to stop me from saying it.”

“say it again. wanna hear you say it again.”

“i love you,” niall grins.

“i love you, too,” harry says and niall thinks he’ll never get used to hearing that. for once, everything is perfect.

(3 years later)

“niall, wake up. i gotta get up,” harry whispers.

“it’s 6:30 in the morning, and i don’t have class today. i’m not getting up.” niall curls into harry even more, to feel his warmth. “don’t gooooo,” he whines.

“early morning. i have to finish a paper before my early class. i’ll be home tonight.” harry says, and hearing him say home like that, still gets niall every time. their tiny apartment with one bedroom that’s barely a room, and a small kitchen and a couch that’s falling apart; it’s home.

“i never see you anymore, harry. i miss you.” niall whimpers when harry gets out of bed.

“i’m sorry, babe.”

“don’t be. don’t be sorry for the fact that school is a little crazy.” niall protests weakly.

“we’ll make it work. i really have to go though. i love you.” harry leans down to kiss niall before leaving their room and closing the door behind him.

niall manages to fall back asleep, not for long, though. it’s hard when harry’s not there. he blinks awake and pads out into the kitchen. there's a note stuck to the fridge with harry's messy handwriting.

_niall-_

_don’t want to wait until tonight to see you. meet me at the diner on campus when my 8:30 ends (do you have my schedule memorized? i think you might. it ends at 9:30 if you didn’t know) because i’m buying you breakfast. it’s not a proper date but it’ll do for now. proper date tomorrow night?_

_love you :D_

_-h_

_p.s. i said we’d make it work right? this is making it work._

_love you so much (just incase you didn’t know already)_

niall can’t stop smiling as he reads the note. he really has the best boyfriend in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed! x


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